“Look after yourself.” That’s something I’ve always been told. The one person you should always be worrying about is you. You should make sure that your needs are met, you are in a good frame of mind, and you are happy – or at least as close as you can be to whatever happiness is. I’ve seen those stories pop up on Facebook and have read other articles about how if your family is bad for your health or if you perceive them to be toxic, then you should cut them out of your life. But I don’t really agree.
Like many people, I can think of numerous situations where those closest to me caused me harm. I think the saying goes, “those who you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most”. Why though? I feel like many believe that your family should be the best people in your life, the people who are supposed to be full of love, compassion, respect and encouragement. I would also guess that many people would agree that the attributes I mentioned are unrealistic, and claim that a family with all those qualities are more of a fantasy. Nonetheless, family can have a huge impact on your personal life and well-being, and the impact goes both ways.
My family is dysfunctional. We used to be far worse and it has taken a lot of work to improve to our current situation. The journey to where we are now was certainly painful and continues to leave a bit of a grey cloud over our heads. Some of the most important pieces of a familial relationship were lost for a while, ost specifically trust and respect. I didn’t speak to my brother for almost two years and it was because we were selfish in our own ways. We were both doing what we thought was best for ourselves and saying “to h*ll with everyone else”.
My brother and I were mad at each other. We picked opposite sides in a broken relationship, dug our heels in, and refused to budge. In hindsight, I realize this is something that happens but I didn’t realize how impactful my choice was until I saw how much harm it caused. It was like tossing a stone into a pond and watching the ripples slowly expand until no part of the pond was left untouched. It started with a fragmented relationship with my brother, but “rippled” on to my family as well..
Others tried to intervene to fix the situation, but all that did was deepen our divide. All it did was hurt everyone around us.The pain was evident and my mother would burst into woeful cries, Hearing my mother’s tears stream down her face were as loud as any crack of thunder I’ve ever heard. It took a while, but I realized that always being right, or holding a position of power in disagreements was far less important than my family’s well-being. I realized it wasn’t worth hurting others to be prideful and stubborn.
There was no end in sight, no resolution to this situation, unless one of us gave in and took action to fix it. With encouragement, I took those steps. I admitted to my faults and apologized for all the harm I was responsible for. (I think it’s important to note I had someone very close to me push me in this direction. I don’t think I would have been able to separate myself from the situation enough to accomplish it on my own.) This actually was the spark that was needed to burn down the walls my brother and I had placed between us.
We came to a mutual understanding that our true intentions were not to have the upper-hand on the other person and that we wanted to work towards a resolution to end the pain being caused to each other and everyone around us. After we broke down our barriers our relationship began to heal, and so did our family’s. Though our relationships are still a work in progress, I am grateful I was encouraged to be thoughtful and conscientious in this situation. My well-being has improved, along with my communication skills, and with these improvements comes the positive ripple-effect on my family..
This is why I don’t agree with the sentiment to just cut people out of your life if they are bad for you in the moment. There can be extenuating circumstances, sure, but I also believe in forgiveness and not giving up on people just because you don’t like them.
My advice? You can still look out for yourself and your own best interest without forsaking those around you. Being thoughtful may actually lend you a greater opportunity for happiness and ultimately a greater state of well-being.
Editor(s): Jing Wu, Daniel Watson
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