At The MindReset’s (TMR) June Bonsai Retreat in Madison, members shared their perspectives on the “I Love You, Bro” blog post. All attending members were required to read the piece before the retreat with the intention of coming to the discussion with their questions already prepared. The author, Elaine Cizma, facilitated the reader’s circle and made herself available to answer any questions about her written piece. Core Team member, Cole Schenck, shared a synopsis of the group’s discussion:
“We first looked at the idea of less intimate male friendships or ‘bromances’ in today’s age. We asked ourselves why there seemed to be less of these close male friendships. Our participants had many different answers to this question.
Some made the point that it may be because of changes in our language. Languages and the words we use to describe unique situations can be transient, and though “bromances” may not be identified by name, this does not necessarily mean they are not there.
Take, for example, a couple of guys who have been friends since childhood. They perhaps grew and maintained their relationship to a very apparent and strong bond. However, others may not view them as having a bromance, but rather as just being good friends. This relationship may provide the type of “closeness” people may attribute to “bromances”, but isn’t labeled as such. This indicates that a label such as “bromance” doesn’t necessarily identify the depths of a friendship. The opportunity for males to build and maintain strong relationships is always available but sometimes may take a little extra effort.
Another interesting point was how the increase in digital platforms, and the increase in accessibility to them, may make individuals more guarded because of fear of others’ perceptions, and less likely to be open and transparent. In turn, this could lead to fewer close relationships between men.
Additionally, politics made its way into this discussion. Like religion, politics can serve as a common ground to unite people. The thing with politics though is that while it may be a unifying force, it can also serve to divide people. One of our TMR members pointed out how he had lost friends specifically because of differences in political affiliations. This suggested how getting to know people more, especially friends, could be a double-edged sword. It allows for more opportunities to grow close, but can also open the door for miscommunication and misinterpretations. If a friendship is not strong enough to withstand contrasting viewpoints, it runs the risk of falling apart.
Have you ever heard of a “friendship out of necessity”? A misconception brought up in our conversation was the misinterpretation of friendships as “bromances”. Sometimes friendships can form because of shared experiences like a dangerous job or a work assignment. If you have ever seen the show “Band of Brothers”, which is based on a famous Army Company during World War II, you may assume because of how close these men became over the course of their deployment that their relationships could be considered a “bromance”. In reality, these men shared a life-altering experience which drew them closer because of circumstance and necessity, rather than because of their own choices.
Our conversation made me think about how I was raised and how I socialized as I aged…How were you encouraged to make friends? What were you encouraged to do with the friends you had? What were your gender expectations?
I know I bonded with friends through playing sports, which seemed to be a common theme among TMR members. Another TMR member conveyed the belief that “girls bond through conversation, guys bond through activity”. While friendships and how they form are all unique, some people may be encouraged to use conversations to build friendships, making it easier to form deeper connections. Some, on the other hand, bond through what they are doing, whether it be sports or jobs, which may just focus on that activity rather than a deeper conversation.
Another idea that was brought up was that “bromances” could be more emotionally fulfilling than a romantic relationship. This is a controversial idea, but consider that all relationships or friendships are different in circumstance. Why might a bromance be more fulfilling than a romantic relationship? In romantic relationships, just like in any other relationship, there is an essence of compromise and accommodation. If it becomes too much to work around, it can make that relationship unfulfilling.
One explanation for why “bromances” may be more fulfilling can be linked to differences in expectations between a friendship and romantic relationship. There are likely fewer expectations in a friendship, with looser boundaries. There could also be the feeling of “domestication” in a romantic relationship. This could lead males to feel more fulfilled with their “bros” because they have more freedom and maybe can be more open with them as well. This being said, as men get older they tend to forsake their “bromances” as their romantic partner becomes their best friend where a lot of time and energy is focused. Some reasons could be that they’re starting a family or following a life path different from their male friends.
I know I’ve personally made this mistake in my own life, I distanced myself from my bros and put all my energy into a relationship. What it did was throw me off balance, and made my life very empty and incomplete. Luckily my current girlfriend knows how important maintaining that balance in life is. I personally encourage all guys out there to have close bonds with their male friends. It leads to a more fulfilling life. As an added bonus, if your romantic partner ever tells you to go do something else so they can have some “me” time, you have your bros to hang out with!”
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