When I realized my paternal instincts were actually harmful…

I always thought about myself as someone who would bend over backwards to try to help someone. I would do everything in my power to make things as easy as possible for whoever I was helping. Whether it was moving the heaviest piece of furniture, finishing a project for someone, or even just taking the hardest job out of all options, I would be that guy. I always thought of this as being completely selfless and being altruistic, but I realize it also may have jaded me to a place of not being self-aware. I felt as though the choices I was making were in the best interest of others, but in reality, I was being narrow minded and imposing my own perspective of what was helpful. This is where I learned I was being paternalistic. I knew what it meant to be paternalistic – restricting others in some way that is in their supposed best interest. However, I just never thought I was and applied it to the context of my own thinking.

Luckily, I have some very outspoken people in my life that pointed out how my habit of being paternalistic was causing problems and made people uncomfortable,not just uncomfortable, but in some cases even caused harm. I admit, it was difficult to have to re-examine what I thought was the best thing about myself. Through feedback and reflection, I realized though my intent was to be helpful, what actually happened was harmful. I think sometimes people like me are so convinced what they are doing is actually what is best for the other person. We look at ourselves as someone who is helping, so that should be accepted graciously at face value. The problem is, this is missing the most crucial piece of any type of relationship, communication! Without actually asking what the person needs, or what is the best way to actually help them (or not help them!), you have a higher likelihood of causing harm. I have reflected on my habits of being paternalistic.

Wanting to help others is awesome, and I highly encourage others to do so or continue to do so. The biggest thing I learned though was without being very intentional with your help, i.e. getting feedback, clarification, planning, you may not actually be helping at all. The biggest takeaway that I want to impart on others is to always keep who you are trying to help in focus. Be intentional. Do your homework. LISTEN.

Editor(s): Christie Vu