Treating Ourselves the Way We Treat Others

Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash

I was in my last semester of college when I visited a counselor for the first time. I was going through a “rough patch” (a euphemism for when life around you seems to fall apart all at once). I was twenty-one years old. I had already amassed a significant amount of student debt, my aunt had recently died, and I was struggling with what I knew was the familiar cloud of depression I’d come to know throughout the years.

For months, I kept my emotions to myself, finding it difficult to explain to others what I was going through. When I finally did meet with a counselor, the floodgates opened. He asked me what should have been a very easy question: “What are you here for?”

My answer came out as a rambling list of every fault I saw in myself. I’d made all the wrong decisions in college, I was selfish and too distant with my family, I had been a terrible friend lately, not wanting to spend time with anyone or do anything outside my apartment. I explained to the counselor that I was having a hard time dealing with all the mistakes I had made.

The therapist let me go on for a while before suggesting something which had never occurred to me.

“Don’t you think you are being a bit hard on yourself?”

Such a simple question, and yet, I was completely surprised by it. I had gotten carried away with berating myself and beating myself up over every little thing. When I considered the question, I realized I was being hard on myself. I reflected on how I talked about myself, and how I talked to myself. I constantly put myself down with statements like I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I said that in front of everyone. I am such a selfish person; I should have done more for that woman the other day. Or the barrage of complaints about my appearance. My hair looks awful. I wish I was tall and beautiful like her. I am hideous.

I was bullying myself into believing I was a failure at everything. But why should I hold myself to a golden standard of perfection when I didn’t set that standard for anyone else? I would never consider speaking to anyone the way I spoke to myself at that time.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the decade or so since that conversation. I’ve learned that I’m not perfect, and I’ll never be perfect. I’ve made mistakes just like every single other person in the world – and just like I forgive others, I am learning how to forgive myself.

It hasn’t been an easy journey learning to love myself and treat myself with kindness, but like most things, it takes practice. Realizing I was focusing on the negative helped me be prepared to notice when I started to fall into old patterns in the future.

I no longer count calories excessively, trying to conform to a physical standard I never even meant to set for myself. I make an effort to prevent small mistakes from setting me back at work or in my social life. When I say something to someone that doesn’t come out the way I mean it, I trust myself to communicate my true intention to them. And when I make a mistake these days, I often find a way to laugh about it rather than cringe.

There is still a long way to go before I can say I treat myself with the same kindness that I show my friends, family, or even strangers, but that is okay. Like everyone else, I am a work in progress and with a little acceptance, a little understanding from myself, I can keep on going.

Editor(s): Christie Vu