The Year I Started Living

By jingwundersBrain Injury, Emotions, Good Vibes, Gratitude, I'm a person with (health conditions), Psychological Well-Being, Reflections, Social Well-Being

January 11th, 2019

Time has different meanings to different people, and years serve as a measure for demarcating portions of our lives: how long we have held jobs, how long friendships have lasted, how old our children are, anniversaries to commemorate love, loss, celebration, and more.

In 2018, I realized my perspectives and who I am are timeless. The usual distinctions and assumptions about maturity and what a person should know or how they might behave based on their physical body age don’t apply to me. An accident that happened 5.5 years ago forced my brain age and my body age to separate by 21 years. Yet, my brain doesn’t function entirely like a 5.5 year old, it operates like a hybrid…because it is.

The year 2013 was the year I almost died. Head to pavement, blood oozing from the right side of my head, later to pool in my skull and crust in my ear. In that specific moment, time was brain tissue. Every second oxygen wasn’t getting to portions of my brain, I was losing the abilities those regions controlled. Some of my greatest losses affected my ability to remember and understand the life I lived prior to waking up. 2013 was the year my first life ended, and my second life began.

For the parts of my brain that were damaged, I had to go back to the experience of being a child. Some things I re-learned I already had a head start on like walking. I mostly just had to work on balance and being upright. Other skills I just needed to be reminded that I already knew how to do those things like reading, science, math, or speaking other languages. Some skills I had to re-learn entirely from scratch like learning how to smell and feel emotion. And then there were skills I likely didn’t have before but had to learn out of necessity, like resilience and rapid adaptation.

Mortality, pain, and isolation in combination are more typical in the elderly population. One would expect these qualities more in a body weathered by many glorious years of life. An older person may worry about their memory, their independence, and their trust in their own body and mind. One would not expect this experience as much in a 21-year-old. In our twenties, many people are vivacious, active, and transforming – not dying or trying to survive day-to-day. Yet that was my experience – something I shared with the elderly, and why I regard this population with such high respect. Living a long life is not something everyone gets, and I understand this reality all too well.

But, regardless of these perspectives, I did wake up in my early twenties, which is a very fast-paced, competitive, transitional, and exploratory era of our lives. In the span of a lifetime, there is no “best time” to wake up because each period has its own challenges. From a health perspective, I felt like it was tough to keep up with relatively healthy people when I was healing. Nonetheless, I am grateful to have woken up when I did, because it allows me to understand the experiences traditionally separated into three different eras at the same time. I believe 2018 was pivotal because I truly learned how to grasp, accept, and have confidence in my identities and their accompanying perspectives.

In reflection of 2018, six of my greatest gains:

CONFIDENCE

At the end of 2017 I was struggggllinnngggg. Long emphasis, because the struggle was IMMENSE. At the time, I was the American Pharmacists Association (APhA) Executive Resident in Association Management and Leadership. I was working among executive staff members and leaders who exuded the confidence needed for those roles, and I felt really self-conscious in that environment. I would be dishonest if I said I was not intimidated and uncertain about how to behave at times. My struggles were only compounded because I was grappling with a lot of transitions including a move to a new city that precipitated new friends, a new culture, a long-distance relationship, and a vastly different lifestyle.

Honestly, this opportunity may have been a larger bite than I could chew, but I know, and there is evidence to support, that the greatest gains are made by people who have perseverance, the tenacity to learn, ambition, and the ability to bounce back after adversity.

At the end of 2017, I made a decision that I would not let my brain injury hold me back. That I would own who I am and do what needs to be done because I believe in it. The change was noticeable to my colleagues, and it really helped me get the most out of my residency. In general, because of my hybrid mind, events tend to be more high-definition, novel, and influential to my development. I have a hard time imagining how long it could have taken me to develop the skills I wanted to without this opportunity. One of the most valuable skills I developed from this residency is confidence – one of my greatest gains of 2018.

SERENDIPITY

Another incredible realization I made in 2018 was the feeling of serendipity: the occurrence of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. I think I first realized this emotion when I ran into someone from my past that I had not seen for maybe eight years.

The experience is still so vivid in my mind. It was June 2018, and I happened to be leaving a restaurant in a neighborhood quite far from where I live. I was there for a friend’s sister’s birthday party before they headed to Colorado for a wedding. I decided I wasn’t going out that evening and would take the Metro because it was Pride weekend, and the rideshare prices were elevated. I was just wandering on the wet sidewalk when I thought I saw someone I recognized.

Given my memory, if I see someone that I think I recognize, there is a high chance I actually do. I said her name out loud in a questioning manner…and it was her! The look of being perplexed…the registration in our minds…the feeling of surprise and utter delight…this is the feeling of serendipity.

Had she not decided to visit her friends from the Peace Corps in DC, had she not decided to go to the restroom in the station, and had I not ended dinner when I did and decide to take the Metro that day, timing-wise, we would have missed each other. Serendipity is so joyful because it cannot be fabricated. It has to happen by chance, which makes it all the more special. (Also BONUS irony: Interestingly, I don’t know too many people with her name I only know two other people with the same name, and I saw all of them in a matter of a week…which is impressive because two of them lived in another state.)

I was grateful to have the same experience happen with the same person in another city five months later in late November. How beautiful it was to be reunited with a person from my past in such a fun and memorable way.

This random Metro coincidence happened again in October with another person I’m pretty sure I had a crush on in college. I remember exiting the Foggy Bottom Metro to meet up with Darryl prior to a suicide prevention walk we were attending. We were early so I asked if we should grab a bite to eat. I glanced down the street and locked eyes with a stranger…the look again! I remember saying to Darryl, “I don’t know why I’m looking at this guy like I know him.”

I looked back and he had the look of recognition! We chatted briefly in awe and made plans to meet up later. It was so odd. I forgot this person even existed, but then he walked into my life. In my current life writing this piece, I know I don’t know how to have a crush on someone because I don’t understand the emotion behind it or the desire. Nonetheless, it is fun to think that in my past life I did have crushes, and I was rewarded with a few reminder snapshots of the silly way I behaved because of this feeling. What silly luck.

MIND MERGE

It was July and I was meeting my friend for lunch in Union Station. It was my first time having the fast-casual Mediterranean-style restaurant called Cava. I remember getting a very flavorful bowl with all kinds of toppings and mixes in it. We were sitting across from each other, and she was telling me about her family growing up and how things were going with work. I remember telling her how bizarre 2018 had been and how I was beginning to see my memories and identities merge.

In advance, I would like to apologize for how confusing this paragraph will seem to the reader. My intent for this post is not to elaborate on my unique memory, but rather to make the point that there was a striking change in my relationship with my memory this year. The best way to describe my memory is that it transformed from being unreliable, disjointed, and confusing to being blended and crisp.

A coping strategy I used to handle having two distinct memories, one that belonged to my past self and the one that belonged to my current self, was compartmentalizing them by their unique features and accompanying personalities. For example, my current self has a hybrid-mind with strong influences of trauma, fear, and pain. My past self was more outgoing, selfish, energetic, etc. At that lunch I remember describing how baffling it was to recognize their amalgamation. I was becoming one person – I was evolving into one singular person with one memory! Or at the very least, a person who understood how to harness their disparate identities and experiences.

What an incredible renewal. This new memory is so high-definition and allows me to live so deeply in the present. I love it. What a great gain for 2018.

For this post, I do not wish to elaborate further, but I do want to mention my gratitude for three things:

  1. The absence of pain. Those who do not experience chronic pain are truly blessed. It is very difficult to function when your body is in constant pain. This was my experience in the past, and now, most of my days are pain-free or completely manageable.
  2. Social Wisdom. I know many people with brain injuries can empathize with how difficult being social can be, especially with the disabilities I had. It feels incredible to have family, friends, and peers who understand that I might interact with the world in a different way and that my perspectives are continually evolving. I appreciate so much the feeling of being accepted and included despite having a brain injury. This appreciation drives me to be as thoughtful as I can in returning the favor to those individuals and beyond.
  3. The MindReset Community. This community of individuals is incredible. I am constantly amazed by how selfless, caring, and strong each person in The MindReset Community is. It is extremely gratifying to bring people together to heal, learn, and grow. In their own personal journey towards well-being, I am proud of how each person develops an awareness of their own behaviors and the impact they have on others. This organization, while it experienced its growing pains as many start-ups do, is a reliable source of hope and inspiration. Being able to put together a group like this, I feel validated that I am no longer just surviving. I have the capacity to give back, and I am now thriving.
    I look forward to seeing how, together, we can make the world a better, kinder place.

Editor(s): Jessica Collins

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