Personal Growth

Photo Credit:  Keenan Constance on Unsplash

Two years ago, I was in a period of transition. I had reached a point in my life where I felt truly directionless for the first time. I had recently quit my job and was at a loss for a career path. I had finally ended contact with a partner from a turbulent two-year, on and off again relationship. I moved back to my home state, having spent the past four years on the other side of the country. I was confused, lonely, and hesitant to make even the smallest decisions in my day-to-day life.

Some days, I found myself lying in bed for hours until the middle of the afternoon, staring at the ceiling and wondering how I had reached such a low point. Moving was fairly unplanned, it was a last-ditch effort to revitalize my life. I had no job lined up and during my time of unemployment I realized I had downtime for the first time in years.

I had time to myself. I had time to think, time to listen. It was in these two months of downtime, that I finally realized, my “previous” life had been filled with obligations and guilt. I felt obligated to perform my job to the highest standard, without a single mistake, ever. I felt obligated to heal my boyfriend of his alcoholism, and obligated to keep up with the social events of my friends. This cycle of unrealistic expectations, and the accompanying guilt when I didn’t meet those expectations, had gotten out of control.

My two months of unemployment helped settle the noise from my previous life. I could finally hear my own “voice” in the quiet. It had been so long since I had the time to listen to my inner voice that I hadn’t realized how I had neglected my own needs for so many years. This time of respite helped me understand that if I wanted my life to change, I needed to make adjustments.

I took the step of seeing a counselor and was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety. The depression had been obvious to me, but the generalized anxiety disorder was a surprise. I began taking depression and anxiety medication, in addition to taking steps towards thinking realistically and positively about situations. I stopped caring about whether people would think me weak or wrong for taking medication. I came to terms with the fact I would never be able to change or “save” my ex-boyfriend, and that my anxiety, an enemy I  spent years battling without knowing its name, had refused to let me see that.

Career-wise, I wondered why I was getting so worked up about a “career”, when I had always known what I wanted to do with my life: write. I found time in my schedule to begin writing once again. In all the confusion of the past couple years, I had neglected the essential part of me that kept me going. I bought a planner, and instead of carving out time and reminders for things like work and bills, I began dedicating time to writing.

I would never suggest that I have found a perfect formula for living. I still have days when it is difficult to get out of bed and go to work. I still have days when every word I speak is shrouded in self-doubt or uncertainty. But when I look back at my life two years ago compared to my life now, I allow myself to see the positive. And yes, it is corny to say, but I am indeed grateful to have had those negative and toxic experiences. Without those experiences, I would never have needed to dig deeper to ask real questions about myself. I would never have felt the need to decide what direction I wanted to grow, and who I wanted to be.

Author: Krista J. Douglas

Editor(s): Julie Skodowski