PART 2: ABCs of Normal Family Feuds

“Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with lots of nuts.”

Welcome back to my list of normal family stressors. This list aims to remind you that sometimes it’s alright to feel like you’re being ripped apart at the seams when you’re around your family. Preparing for the stress you’ll likely encounter is key. In Part 1 of this series, we left off with ‘L Is for Love’. In Part 2 of the series, we’ll be talking about 14 new topics, ranging from ‘Maturity’ to those relatives who just have ‘Zero Chill Factor’.

If you can relate to any of these stressors or would like to share your own additions to this list, please share a comment below and provide feedback. Part 1 of this list can be found here: https://www.themindreset.com/part-1-the-abcs-of-normal-family-feuds/

M is for Maturity

It’s easy to revert to childish behavior around the people you grew up with. But now that you’re  grown up, it’s time to act like it and be the bigger person when petty conflicts arise. There’s no need to take any slight or insult to heart.  Some people never change, and you can only control your own behavior.

N is for No

No. Just one word and two letters. It can be communicated with just a subtle shake of the head or hand. What’s so difficult? Personally, I’m reluctant to say no because I don’t want to disappoint others. In reality, saying yes to everyone and everything makes me end up doing things I don’t want to do and feeling disappointed with my decisions. There are always alternatives and compromises. If you’re asked to cook a meal for 20 people and clean everything up afterwards, offer to do something more manageable, like making the salad. Besides, everyone can benefit from more salad!

O is for Out of Your Control

Since you can’t control everyone’s actions, you can save yourself a great deal of stress by letting things take their own course and preparing to stay positive no matter what happens. Amid all the  problems your family members encounter, remember that many of them aren’t your problem, and you can only do so much. At the end of the day, all you need to worry about is choosing the path that’s best for you.

P is for Planning

While we should strive to see the best in people, preparing for the worst from your relatives can come in handy, too. Which scenario is worse; knowing that Uncle Mike may drink too much wine and lose control, or assuming “everything will be fine if he has a few drinks”? Using past experience as your crystal ball, you can try to help prevent a circumstance you want to avoid or at least temper your expectations when things go astray.

Q is for Questions

“You’re coming to church tomorrow, right? How is your diet going? What are you doing for work now? Are you dating anyone? What ever happened to [insert ex’s name]? I sure hope we get rid of that dreadful Obamacare soon, right? When are you going to get married? Are you having kids anytime soon? Don’t you want to move a little closer to home? Can you teach me how to ‘Instant Gram’? Why are you leaving so soon? When can we come visit you?”

Your move:

• Deflect the question: “[Chuckles] Speaking of moving, have you seen Baby Carmen walking yet? Watching her toddle around is adorable. She’s making so much progress!”
• Thanks, but no thanks: “Thanks for asking, but I’d rather not talk about politics right now.” Or, “Marriage? That’s a little bit down the road for me.” Or, “That a personal question and it makes me a little uncomfortable, honestly. But I want to hear about what’s new in your life?”
• You want the truth? I’ll tell you the truth: “I’m in between jobs right now, but have found a lot of promising opportunities. How’s your job going?”

R is for Rationalizing

Take a step back and think about all the things you’ve argued about with family members. For me, most of them were not a big deal and simply not worth my time. If a relative can’t forget about a mistake you made in the past, like the time you missed your bus to a Christmas Eve dinner eight years ago, just smile, nod, and focus on something else. You need to pick your battles and let certain things slide. On the other hand, small things can add up and bother you, so it’s also important to speak up before things boil over. Now that you’re an adult, don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself.

S is for Stress

What is stress anyway? I associate stress with the pain or fear my body experiences in reaction to an outside situation. If I fail to manage my stress, it will prevent my body from functioning normally. Everyone reacts to the same situation differently, and no two people experience stress the same way. Some things that help me manage stress are discussing what’s on my mind with close friends or taking a break from the stressful topic to do some kind of fun activity, like trivia or exercise.

T is for Temporary

When you’re an adult, family gatherings always have a concrete end time. Be clear that you have a flight back home or a job to get to on Monday that you can’t miss. If you need a “light at the end of the tunnel” to look forward to, plan a small, relaxing celebration at the end of your family time  to unwind and pat yourself on the back for keeping your cool. Make the best of your time with family, but also realize it will all be over soon.

U is for Unpacking

When a smoke alarm sounds, do you take the detector off the ceiling and take it to the store to get it fixed? No, you find the source of the fire and address it.

The NBA Players Association Director of Mental Health and Wellness Dr. William Parham uses this analogy to highlight the need to determine the root of your mental unease instead of merely dealing with stress when it surfaces through coping mechanisms.

“That shrill noise doesn’t suggest that [the smoke detector is] not working,” Parham explains. “It actually suggests that it is. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks are all human smoke detectors indicating that something else is going on.”

Basically, you need to find the source of your stress if you ever want to fully understand it and resolve it. Adverse childhood experiences, which can be as simple as witnessing your parents arguing, can create mental baggage that take a toll on you through your teenage years and into adulthood.

Though it can be uncomfortable, it’s necessary to unload some mental baggage and attempt to figure out whether the difficult personalities in your family, the increased responsibilities and expectations, or the unsettling memories of the past are what trigger your stress. Listing what causes stress and anxiety can help you determine which stressors you can confront or better control.

V is for Vulnerability

As much as you may doubt it, showing vulnerability is actually the ultimate demonstration of strength. Recognizing that you are falling victim to stress and seeking assistance is the first step to improving your emotional state. Coming to terms with stress can help save you from inevitable burnout if you let the stress keep brewing. Ask someone you trust for help. You won’t regret it.

W is for Walk It Out

When you feel like you need a minute away from the family chaos, listen to your body and literally walk away. Going outside for a walk or jog can help lift your mood and give you the break your mind needs from your toxic relatives. Not to mention, exercise is a natural stress reliever because getting your blood pumping with a little cardio can help produce endorphins that signal your brain that you’re feeling good.

X is for Xenophobia

It’s tough to find words that start with ‘X’, ok? Xenophobia means the fear and hatred of anything that is strange or foreign. We may have a relative who has a vastly different worldview due to a lack of exposure to unfamiliar populations or ideas. Try to remember that this relative is probably a good person who simply has misguided views and needs assistance in letting go of their intolerance. Instead of calling this relative out, call them in. Without judgment, ask why a certain idea or group of people is a perceived threat. You can also discuss historical examples of how xenophobic thoughts have resulted in violence and hostility, such as the internment of Japanese American during World War II. Xenophobia can often be lessened through exposure and highlighting common ground between your relative and the perceived “foreigner.”

Y is for You

“If you are traveling with children, or are seated next to someone who needs assistance, place the oxygen mask on yourself first, then offer assistance.” If you’ve ever flown in a commercial airplane before, you’ve likely heard this safety announcement over the PA system. Yet, when you’re stressed out and being pulled in every direction, it’s easy to forget about caring for yourself. But satisfying our own needs first will allow us to help others to a greater extent.. That’s why we need self-help tools at our disposal.

Check in and ask yourself if you’ve been meeting your basic needs such as getting adequate nutrition, sleep, physical activity, and relaxation time. If you’re feeling anxious, there are plenty of ways to calm down, such as breathing exercises, meditation, and progressive muscle relaxation techniques. The key message is to focus internally when everything seems to be caving in externally. Meeting your own needs matters most.  

Z is for Zero Chill Factor

Isn’t there always one family member who just seems to live in a constant state of chaos? Not everyone knows how to relax, which can be unsettling. It’s best to deal with these family members in small doses if you can. I remember the plumbing once went awry at a rental house during a family vacation. One member of my family panicked when the toilets overflowed, which is understandable. But after helping out for a fair amount of time, my brother and I realized there was nothing else helpful that we could do while we awaited a plummer, so we opted to take a walk and return once things were a little calmer. I regretted leaving in that time of need, but again, there is only so much you can do sometimes before you need a break. We all need to take breaks to recharge.

---

Please connect with us if you are seeking support or hoping to learn more about being part of a Supportive, Inclusive, Compassionate, and Kind community:

Join The MindReset!

Check out Events for support groups or live events:

• Follow The MindReset Facebook page
• Follow The MindReset Twitter
• Follow The MindReset Instagram

You are always welcome to connect directly with an individual from TMR at themindreset@gmail.com or (802) 377-MIND.

<<RETURN TO BLOG