Ah, family gatherings. What a perfect time to bond with loved ones, share delicious meals, and enjoy a perfect vacation or holiday without any stress, right?
Not quite.
Urban Dictionary defines family as “A bunch of people who hate each other and share dinner together.” I would never go that far, but you’re not alone if you feel like your family can sometimes be overly demanding, downright ‘crazy’, or even intolerable.
Truth be told, every family has its imperfections and can experience occasional turmoil. This can make things stressful for everyone involved. Luckily, there are methods to deal with the madness and reduce family stress. Here are a few stressors I’ve experienced with my family, along with suggestions for realistically managing them. Part 2 of this list will be posted Tuesday. Stay tuned.
A is for Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
How can you deal with life when you feel like you’re screaming on the inside?
You simply scream on the outside.
Say it with me and release the tension you’re feeling: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
I know, I know. It’s not always appropriate to start screaming at the Thanksgiving dinner table. But you need to express your bottled-up emotions somehow or the issue will only worsen. You can try healthy alternatives such as screaming into a pillow for relief, removing yourself from a stressful situation (i.e. get up and leave), participating in intense exercise—perhaps a run or kickboxing class—or talking about what you’re going through with a close friend, or even a pet or mirror.
It’s ok if spending time with family can make you want to scream. It’s important to let it all out and attempt to figure out what’s triggering your stress or anxiety, so you can avoid or manage those triggers (see ‘U is for Unpacking’).
B is for Breathe
Next, it’s time to breathe. Now, you may be thinking, ‘I already know how to breathe and do it like every day. Let’s move on to letter C.’ Touché, but breathing becomes a little tougher when anxiety hits—or when that “ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” feeling strikes.
Deep Breathing 101:
Sit up tall or lay flat on your back. Pay attention to the air slowly filling your belly and leaving the body through your nose. Count to four on each inhale, pause, then count to four again each exhale. Imagine nothing else matters in the world. When other thoughts enter your brain, return your focus to your breath. Take about ten deep inhales and exhales, then return to your family feeling at least a little bit calmer.
Amid the hustle and bustle of your family gathering, you may feel pressured to keep pace with all the competing demands pulling you every which way. But you may actually be better off slowing down and consciously taking a few deep breaths to recenter yourself. Taking a moment to let things sink in can help prevent knee-jerk reactions that often only lead to more stress.
C is for Communication
Most people think communication is all about saying stuff. That’s true, but equally important is what you choose not to say (also see ‘K is for Keep Quiet’), how you say whatever message you want to communicate, and how you receive messages from others.
What you don’t say: There’s anything wrong with changing the subject when a relative asks a prying question. You can follow your parents’ example and say, “Let’s talk about it later,” or just leave the room.
Delivering the right message: What you say can matter less than how you say it. Agreeing with someone by saying, “You’re right” may have a widely different impact than a sarcastic comment saying something similar, such as “Of course, you’re right. You’ve never been wrong about anything in your life. Sorry to question your supreme authority, your majesty.”
Hearing is not listening: Listening without judgment or without planning your response can help your relatives feel like they are being fully heard and understood. To be an active listener and show the speaker you care, make eye contact, avoid distractions, maintain an open posture, respond emotionally with appropriate facial expressions, and offer feedback by paraphrasing some of the speaker’s messages to ensure you understand. These techniques can help improve your dialogue and communication with family members.
Again, taking a moment to breathe and think about your response can de-escalate an argument and reduce your stress level.
D is for Delegate
Chores and family responsibilities suck more when you try to conquer them all on your own. But when you break up large tasks and responsibilities into manageable components, and then assign these lighter duties to others, they get finished much faster. When preparing a meal, for instance, one person can buy the ingredients while other relatives can cook, set and clear the table, and wash dishes. You’ll thank yourself later for not taking on too tall an order, and you likely won’t feel resentful if everyone is pitching in. Now, if only I could delegate people to finish the descriptions for these other 22 letters…
E is for Embarrassment
Our family members can be embarrassing, and there’s no escaping that fact. Sometime they just put us in uncomfortable circumstances where we’d rather run away or pretend we don’t know them. As soon as you accept that reality, you’ll feel a little more at ease the next time they might embarrass you.
F is for Forgiveness
Everybody makes mistakes. Forgive your family members’ apologies and own up to your mistakes, then simply move on. That’s what grown-ups do.
G is for Gratitude
As tough as things get, we need to make sure to focus on the positives. Maybe you’re enjoying a delicious dinner amid the stressful family argument or maybe it’s a beautiful day outside, even if your mother wants to snap 47 photos of you—44 of which were accidental selfies. Just try to be thankful for those little things that bring you joy, even when other things aren’t going your way. Instead of wishing things were different, step back and think about what’s already pretty amazing in your life.
H is for Humor
Every memory from my childhood is full of tears. It had nothing to do with my family, actually. I just really liked chopping onions. Ok, that wasn’t the best joke, but a little bit of levity can go a long way. Family situations are bound to get stressful, challenging, or uncomfortable. You can’t control that. You can only control how you react to less-than-ideal circumstances. My father taught me to combat stress by not taking anything too seriously and imagining the ridiculousness of your life as a sitcom.
When appropriate, make light of the whatever is wrong. You can do this in your own head if you worry your relatives won’t react the same way to your jokes. So what if your Thanksgiving turkey is overcooked? At least you won’t get salmonella. So what if your family’s flight to the beach is delayed? That’s ok, I’m sure you were dying to explore the scenic views of the Cleveland airport for three hours anyway. From a scientific standpoint, research has shown that laughter can improve mood and moderate the effects of stressful events by reducing cortisol, the hormone involved in stress response that can increase blood pressure.
I is for Identity
You’re the only one who really knows who you are and what you want in life. There’s nothing wrong with smiling and nodding along when your family members try to force feed your life path and claim to know what best for you.
J is for Judgment
Have you ever been to a family gathering while unemployed? Not fun. What about expressing your true desires to your parents when they constantly steer you toward “their way” of parenting? Has Aunt Emma said something offensive toward a marginalized group, yet you’ve just learned to ignore it?
Why don’t we speak up? The fear of judgement is associated with wanted to be liked. If you say something unpopular, you may be negatively judged. Family members always think they know what’s best for one another and aren’t afraid to share their judgmental opinions. What can you do?
- Realize there is no such thing as a “judgment-free zone”
- Understand judgement don’t last forever
- Recognize your own judgments and explore them beyond negative and positive associations
K is for Keep Quiet
Although speaking out can be beneficial, sometimes it’s best to stay quiet when something is irking you, but it’s no big deal Try to let go of old conflicts and do your best to appreciate being together with family. The turkey isn’t that dry, the wine doesn’t actually taste like it has been regurgitated, and of course you’d love for Uncle Jeffry to measure everybody AGAIN if it makes him happy, even if you just had a physical and know your height down to the eighth inch.
L is for Love
Let’s take a giant step back when it comes to family interactions. Be thankful that you have family and that they want to bring everyone together. Your family members love you, no matter what they say. So what if everyone has their idiosyncrasies and annoying traditions (why must our Passover dinner be six hours long?!?)? Those same family members who you can’t stand will be there to support you at the end of the day. You mom is all up in your business because she cares about you. It’s all coming from good intentions. Focus on what’s going right. Being home for the holidays or your having family together as adults for vacation is something special. Just try to make the most of the experience and embrace the love.
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