I’d spent at least the past week in constant company with my significant other. While I wasn’t always productive around her, I was always occupied and almost always happy. Since I had a family event to virtually attend on the 8th and 9th, my significant other went home yesterday. I had basically all day free today but spent it in the most insignificant ways. Without structure, my ambitions pulled me in every direction. Yet, I stood still. No, I collapsed—figuratively.
Like many of you, I’m isolating in response to COVID-19. Unlike many of you, I can’t work remotely—I can only work on myself. I was recently laid off and furloughed from my fitness industry jobs. Working with clients virtually has been inconsistent, at best. As I complete the final weeks of my public health program living in the epicenter of a global health pandemic, New York City, I find myself looking for a new career and new lease on life. My motivation ebbs and flows. That day was low tide.
I couldn’t even find a reason to leave my bed until nature called. I had all day to think, to sulk, to stall and to blaze a new beginning to my socially distant life. Though having strong social ties can work wonders for your health, it can also distract you from your deepest insecurities. Introspective alone time is both a blessing and a curse. No wonder people only like meditation in theory.
All-day I had competing ambitions to thrive. I wanted to enjoy the sun, I wanted to work out, I wanted to write cover letters and finish class readings and projects. I wanted to cherish my virtual time with my family. I thought about all of these goals and how much time I had to do each, yet I achieved none of them. I thought and thought until the sun went down and all my free time began to hold me captive.
Each distraction was distracted by a new distraction. The hole became deeper and darker. Finally, I stopped digging.
At the end of the day, my accomplishments were merely making two meals, changing my bedsheets (yeah, nature called this morning, but FEAR NOT, I did my business in the bathroom—quit thinking about it, weirdo), listening to a lecture and beginning this new journaling habit. Now that I list everything, my day wasn’t so wasteful, after all.
I also watched various videos to help me understand my concept of reality. Is what we see real or just in our heads? In my mind, I’m wasting time, but what is time but a social construct to help us organize the world? Each keystroke on the keyboard where I record my stream of consciousness is a step toward creating a word that holds meaning in my mind and the minds of maybe one or two people reading this—thanks, Mom and Dad!
But really a laptop is just a screen of flickering pixels made by binary codes. How many hours do I stare at this screen and live in this alternate digital dream world? Ok, I don’t really understand how computers work, nor the brain. Where am I going with this? My thoughts don’t always need a destination. They can merely exist. Everyone just exists and then ceases to exist, whether they are focused or aimlessly wandering. So, what truly matters?
For starters, I want a routine. Every day, I want to wake up with a purpose, to write down my concrete goals for the day and realistic times for when I’ll achieve them. When will I wake up? When will I shower, brush my teeth, and eat breakfast? When will I put on my mask and leave the comfort of my home for fresh air and a fresh perspective? Ugh, my whole life I’ve struggled with time management.
In reality—whatever that means—tomorrow will be the same as today. The way I approach this constructed reality can be drastically different, however.
Tomorrow:
8:30 a.m. – Wake up and brush teeth
8:45 a.m. – Run
9:15 a.m. – Shower
9:30 a.m. – Eat yogurt and bananas for breakfast
10:15 a.m. – Class reading
10: 45 a.m. – Read up on prospective employer’s interesting opening
12 p.m. – Networking call
12:30 p.m. – Eat leftovers for lunch
1 p.m. – Class until 4
4 p.m. – Complete cover letter
5:30 p.m. – Relax and connect with friends
Phew, I made my map to escape my maze. Whether the map is accurate or not, it’s something I can refer to again. Like me, it now exists. I can stick with it if it works or fine-tune it if I hit a dead end.
No matter what, I can go to bed with a clear head knowing what I’ll be doing for 10 hours tomorrow. If I achieve my goals, I’ll be proud of myself. If I fail to achieve anything on this list, I will forgive myself.
If my reality is all in my head, so are all of my disappointments. I’m only trapped because I believe I’m trapped. I allow myself to be trapped. It’s time to pull a Houdini. So long, laptop lights. I have a life to live.
By Noah Goetzel
Editor(s): Katy Macek
Please connect with us if you are seeking support or hoping to learn more about being part of a Supportive, Inclusive, Compassionate, and Kind community:
Join The MindReset!
Check out Events for support groups or live events:
- Follow The MindReset Facebook page
- Follow The MindReset Twitter
- Follow The MindReset Instagram
You are always welcome to connect directly with an individual from TMR at contact@themindreset.com or (802) 377-MIND.
