Lonely No More

Last December I began drafting a post about loneliness and never ended up publishing it. I had just been in Baltimore at the Pharmacy Quality Alliance meeting where I listened to a talk called “The Power of Human Connection”, which gave a scientific recount of how deleterious social isolation is.

“What silent killer is more dangerous than obesity? Well, loneliness has the same effect on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.”

And while I do not remember the exact details of the talk, it is worth mentioning that social isolation and loneliness are not the same concepts. The terms are often used interchangeably but the distinction is that social isolation is what often can lead to the feeling of loneliness – the feeling of sadness that accompanies a lack of companionship, whether there are actually many companions or not.

I do remember how grateful I felt that someone was addressing this topic. For several years after my brain injury, I felt chronically lonely; and even to this day, I am dumbfounded by how powerful this emotion can be, in that it can elicit the sensation of such incredible pain.

During those years of loneliness, I knew the feeling was unhealthy and that it was killing me, but I just couldn’t shake it. Even though I was often surrounded by people who loved me, friends and family, even romantic partners who would literally cuddle me through the majority of my nights* I would still feel isolated every day. My alexithymia (emotional blindness and detachment) was so severe, I just couldn’t hold onto the feeling of connection.

It was not until recently, a few weeks ago when I returned home to Wisconsin for a recharge week, did I realize I can truly feel the emotions related to the connection with other people in a meaningful and long withstanding way. In the past I may have been somewhat connected to others, or had glimmers of the full sense of what belonging might feel like; but now, I am aware of the ability to feel the full sense of connection and benefit from the emotion rather than the harm of the antithesis.

What made me feel a sense of belonging?

Friday:

• Culver’s – well, familiarity with reminders of being home. Every time I get picked up from the airport, there is a Butterburger waiting for me! It makes travel back home that much more exciting knowing that a delicious Wisconsin classic is waiting for me on the other end. I cannot express enough appreciation for this act of love from my best friend, Cole.  

Saturday:

• Exercise with friends. Some of The MindReset crew attended the Bubble Run. Even though my sneakers are now slightly stained a faded pink, it was a joy to get fresh air with friends. Also major props to Cole once again for giving me piggy-back rides for the parts where my ankle (recent break) couldn’t handle the duration or intensity of a 5K.  We then went to Cafe Hollander later and I was finally able to relish a real delish Bloody Mary! DC is great – but I have yet to find a bloody that rivals the robust flavors and top-notch garnishes of the Midwest.
• Youthful energy – being with my favorite kiddo (who is now taller than me!) and seeing her develop as a kind and intelligent young lady made me realize how our time and connection with each other was and still is, impactful for both of us. I definitely think she needs to be practicing her Chinese more :P, but overall, I am very impressed by her coding skills and her kindness.

Sunday:

• Brunch with my beauties. We all have those friends no matter how long it’s been, we pick up like not a moment has passed. I have this type of relationship with my beautiful and brilliant friends Ashleigh and Bon. Some of our other girlfriends couldn’t make it to brunch, but how great it was to hear how well my friends are doing.
• Lunch with my brain buddies + cheese curds. All people matter, no matter their walk of life. My good friends Dawn and Mark I met through the brain injury community. Dawn has this infectious laugh and knack for smiling, even when it hurts. But her smile is so cheerful it brings great joy to everyone around her. I still remember when she gave me a hug when I first presented to a brain injury support group with remarkable trauma and the beginning of what would be many episodes of panic as I would exercise my way out PTSD. Mark is bright, witty, and incredibly knowledgeable about homes in Wisconsin. His candid vocalizations about living, stigma, and other difficult conversations are always appreciated. I like when people express their views that provide a full exploration of a concept.
• Shoe shopping and errands with mom. There is something so sweet about being able to conduct the simplest of tasks with someone you care about. My mother and I went shoe shopping and I felt happiness in being able to help my mom save $10 (look up those coupons!! Thanks dad for this trait!) and reaching a fruit bag from the produce section at the supermarket. My mom is petite and the shopping carts and placement of the produce bags are not always amenable for people with shorter stature.

Monday:

• Minivan madness. In the Wu family clan, we joke about how my dad’s golden minivan is like his other child the way he protects and takes pride in it; but whilst my dad lives in China, he generously allowed me to use his vehicle. One thing I found quite funny as I went to meet with a mentor of mine at Barrique’s is how difficult parking minivans can be, especially if you are city dweller like myself who has no need for a car because public transportation and ride-shares are more affordable and readily available. Nonetheless, Monday was the first day I drove during 2019 and it was a reminder to myself that I had to factor in time for parking. I also very much appreciated the rearview mirror.

• El Centro. If you are a Madisonian and you are not familiar with this community center – become familiar now! This beautiful place exemplifies everything that healing is for people who may be experiencing hardship. I was blessed to receive a tour from one of my old friends from an internship past and I was taken away by the art. I also found a conversation I had about gardening with two volunteers quite pleasant. If you have space and the means to garden – use it as a mechanism to connect with the Earth.
• Chicken Pot Pie. This is my favorite food and it was exactly the comfort I needed while I sat down with John and Virginia. As Virginia and I bonded over our intensity and desire for clear communication and direction, John sat nearby balancing out two women bonding over our appreciation for productivity.
• Barrique’s again. I am a sucker for a good Sav Blanc. This time I was meeting with a different mentor for wine, and boy, does Barrique’s have a crisp Sav Blanc. I really enjoy grapefruit juice and this white wine hit the spot. I always think it is important to connect with the people who make a meaningful difference in your life and to show that appreciation. I meet with my mentors and friends to rejuvenate my soul and often I am affirmed that I keep good company.
• Time with mom. My mom has some dishes she has really excelled in making over the years. I am lucky to have a person who is willing to take care of me and appreciates health – even though sometimes naggingly so :P.

And each day I had some experience where I was able to connect with either a person, place, or thing. The sense of connection continued to grow with every experience.

Tuesday:

• Neener Nooner.
• Surprise bride at Panera.
• Dinner with a mentor.

Wednesday:

• Lunch with grandma and mom.
• Picked up my harmonica.
• Manicures with mom.
• Pho dinner.

Thursday:

• Lifting with my bro.
• Taiwainese Small eats.
• First chemical peel.
• Terrace with friends.
• Tostada’s at home.
• Tornado room with bestie!

Friday:

• Coffee with my brain buddy.
• Random errands.
• Brat Fest & Smash Mouth.
• Breweries and Such.

Saturday:

• Farmer’s Market.
• Pharmacy connection.
• A beautiful Catholic wedding.

Sunday:

• Camping in the woods.

Monday:

• Lunch with my bestie. It’s pouring rain and the water is rushing through the dams of Appleton, WI; but what incredible warmth I feel sitting across from my best friend, Caitlin. She had a recent injury that prevented us from spending time at her family cabin the weekend prior, but what a treat it was to spend a short afternoon with each other.

How lucky that every day while I was in Wisconsin, I was able to spend it with someone I love. Some people I didn’t get to see (I thought of you for sure and will hit you up next time!!), but that’s how I know the connections I have are real. It doesn’t matter if we don’t see each other for a hot minute – the sense of connection and belonging are still there.

Remember that mental health is a combination of psychological, emotional, and social well-being. When someone feels lonely, their sense of well-being in these three domains are all attacked simultaneously which can result in that deep sense of being/feeling unwell. Think about these concepts when you conceptualize causes of pain, whether thinking about your own pain or someone else’s. While I don’t know the exact cure for loneliness, I do know that acts of being supportive, inclusive, compassionate, and kind (#SICK) benefits both others and ourselves. My friends and family in Wisconsin showed me what the embodiment of being SICK looks and feels like. I am grateful because I have people in DC who also show me the same.

Here’s a lesson for all of us: As we continue to grow, we must always continue to learn, and we will be able to take on more difficult and different challenges than we ever did before. I am grateful for the communities I am part of that remind and humble me of why I should fervently strive to be SICK. Let’s collectively inspire each other to do the same, because when we do it together, we do it better, and also then, we are truly not alone!

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*Cuddling is such a blessing – positive and wanted physical touch is so beneficial for healing (a stress relief hormone called oxytocin is released when you cuddle someone you care about). My strongest sense is touch, so whether I am hurting or not, I communicate/boss the people I love to hug me. Ask someone if they want a hug! 🙂

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