Last week I noticed myself laughing and it was an odd epiphany…I can laugh again. Freely. Effortlessly. Which I can maybe interpret as myself being happy? I now experience real joy!
As a traumatic brain injury survivor who woke up with emotional blindness, there was a time in my life where I didn’t understand any feelings, including humor.
My life was riddled with so much confusion and pain, honestly, life did not seem very enjoyable and there really was not a whole lot to laugh about. In addition, from a physiological structure standpoint, my paralyzed vocal cord as a result of a previously botched thyroid surgery definitely didn’t assist with the creation of natural laughter. Sometimes my laughs would come out as laborious bursts of air. I would be asked, “Can you breathe?”
No, I can’t actually. Sounds are produced by the vibrations of our vocal chords. My one working vocal chord migrated closer to the paralyzed one to help make sounds easier to produce; however, the sacrifice was the obstruction of my windpipe.
This is why I have structural asthma. This is why I hardly ever shout. This is why I struggle to speak in loud, busy areas. This is why my tone is not always portrayed as well as I would like – sometimes it takes so much effort to produce certain tones, and I don’t even try because my poor chord is tired. This is why I sometimes speak quickly because I do feel like I need to get out as many words as I can in one breath. I have worked throughout the years to improve or accommodate the circumstances that arise from having this paralysis. It has been many years since I was a mute.
Now some of my peers may laugh because I am anything but silent anymore. At work sometimes I was teased for being a chatterbox, but in a kind way because I could laugh with them. However, I come from a place where I understand how silence is deafening and an inability to articulate one’s thoughts through speech is devastating. I enjoy silence on many occasions, but I also find it important to use our words wisely to share information.
Thus, this is what I want to share for this post. To those with brain injury, one day you may laugh again naturally – without having to put as much effort into your expression. Try to laugh as much as you can, if it doesn’t hurt too much. Humor brought so much more joy into my life and I am grateful to those who taught me humor and helped me laugh…
No feelings, no laugh.
Humor was non-existent.
Years pass, joy returns.
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