Happiness is a feeling that is not often associated with feelings like despair, hopelessness, and a general lack of desire to live. Yet, some of the “happiest” people that we know, whether it be celebrities, friends, or ourselves, are some of the ones that struggle the most with those feelings of despair, hopelessness, and the lack of a will to live. We may not always see that struggle because those of us that always seem happy are usually the best at masking our despair and hopelessness. Unfortunately, our ability to mask these feelings also tends to inhibit our ability to seek help for the despair and hopelessness that lingers inside of us. A cry for help would be a kink in our chain, and dealing with the constant struggle living inside of us is a better alternative than exposing our weaknesses to those around us and placing our burdens on someone else’s shoulders.
If you were to speak with any of my friends, they would probably tell you that I’m a “happy-go-lucky guy” who’s always in a good mood. Say hello to my coat of armor. I write the above paragraph not as somebody who has studied these feelings, but as somebody who deals with these feelings on a day to day basis. Sometimes it’s on an hour to hour or minute to minute basis. Hell, sometimes it’s on a second to second basis. This is not a cry for help. This is an attempt to de-stigmatize the negative views that surround mental health and, more specifically, give courage to people to reach out for help.
I have friends that have committed suicide. I have contemplated suicide. I feel those feelings of despair and hopelessness I described above on an almost daily basis. None of it is fun. It’s even more despairing when you can’t pin down exactly where these feelings are coming from or why you’re having them. Sans the ability to recognize the origin of these thoughts, our despair becomes even greater. Eventually a hole is dug so deep that our hopes of climbing out have all but disappeared. This is the burden of carrying all your issues with you. The cumulative weight of our thoughts combined with the external stressors of life are enough to weigh down the strongest of human beings.
The good news is that there is help! The bad news is that taking that first step towards that help is one of the hardest things we may have to do in our lives. As a society, we don’t judge people that have a physical injury we can see, yet when we hear about someone who suffers from depression or anxiety we question it or pass judgement. This is due, in part, to our inability to see the illness and a general lack of understanding of what the person is going through. When we see somebody with a broken leg, we can empathize with that person because we can imagine how painful the injury is. How it causes them pain on a daily basis. How they can’t do the things they used to because of this injury. They may be alienated from their friends because of this injury. I’ve been through one rotator cuff tear and two ACL tears. I can attest to all the struggles listed above that are associated with physical injuries.
People with mental health issues go through these exact same struggles! But, because we can’t see the cast that the mind is placed in like a broken leg would be, we make assumptions. We say that the person should be stronger and “suck it up.” This judgement causes the person suffering to not talk about their suffering. To do their best to fit in because they don’t want to be judged. They may try to “tough it out” to show the person who said they should be tougher that they can be tougher. This only hardens their resilience to seek help. That coat of armor we had before may have just been a breast plate. The added resilience and attempts to tough it out have just given us more armor. Now we have a helmet and some shin guards. Pretty soon we will have an entire outfit of armor and a sword to go with it. We’ll be impenetrable and our problems will remain ours. We all know that stubborn guy at work who will break his finger but say he doesn’t need a doctor. Could he tough it out and keep working? Possibly. Should he seek professional help to ensure that he heals properly? Definitely. Why should treating mental health issues be any different?
This brings us back around to that negative stigma associated with getting help and what stops people from seeking help. The first time I saw a therapist I was referred by somebody else. I didn’t go on my own. I had kept everything bottled up for so long that eventually I cracked to somebody at a medical appointment and they said, “I think it would really benefit you to talk to somebody.”
Yeah, pass on that lady. I’m a man. I can handle my issues on my own. Her statement is still seared into my head like it happened yesterday. Therapists are for whack jobs and middle-aged guys with way too much money and a string of problems that probably derives from said money. Still, I managed to see where her concern was coming from and eventually went. That didn’t make it any easier each week to have to leave work and try to avoid telling others where I was going for fear of being judged.
I managed to go see my current therapist, my third therapist, on my own. That didn’t make it any easier of a pill to swallow because my own preconceived notions of what a therapist is and who utilized their services still lingered in my mind like a waitress hell bent on getting a good tip may linger around your table trying to chat you up. By the same token, this was my third therapist and my fears of therapists had waned considerably. That fear of what people who saw me going to the therapist’s office would think of me was still as strong as ever, though. I couldn’t shake the fear of what my friends would think of me for going to a therapist.
That fear pales in comparison to what I thought they would think of me if I disclosed to them the things that I was disclosing to my therapist. To this day there is only one person on this earth who knows the part of me that is hidden by my metaphorical coat of armor. And that’s my therapist. I’ve wanted to tell my friends those things, but I can’t do it. I value my friendships too much to share my issues with my friends and possibly be judged by them. Please re-read that last sentence. That is the exact stigma we need to eradicate. Due to the negative stigma built into our society surrounding mental health and the therapist visits that may come with it, the medication, and the thought that “people with mental health issues are all crazy” many of us don’t disclose anything to our friends. We keep them at an arm’s length to avoid vulnerability.
So what can we do to eliminate these stigmas and replace them with a society as accepting of mental health issues as we are with physical injuries that manifest in a way that allow us to see them? First, we can educate ourselves. We need to go from a society that associates mental health issues with straight jackets and psych wards to a society that realizes that approximately 1 in 4 Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental health issue in any given year. That means that unless you live in a cave and associate with nobody other than yourself, then it is highly likely that you know somebody suffering from a mental health issue.
Second, we need to stop with the passive judgement we place on people that are seeking help forcing them to feel the need to not be open about their condition, further feeding the feeling of alienation they probably already feel. If you hear one of your co-workers is going to the doctor for their depression, don’t make snarky remarks saying that they have nothing to be depressed about. Instead, understand that mental health problems such as depression are linked to chemical imbalances in the brain and this person can’t just “cheer up.”
Mental health disorders are no joke and you joking about them feeds the fuel of the negative stigma fire that burns so bright already. Educate yourself, empathize with those suffering, and understand that people with mental health issues don’t choose to have them the same way that you choose not to break a bone or tear a ligament. Let them know that they can confide in you. If they do decide to open up a bit, shut up and listen. Try to imagine what they’re going through and do your best to quell your thoughts and preconceived notions about their condition.
“Hello darkness, say goodbye!”
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