Image repurposed from vixendaily.com
This is a question I think many people may have encountered. There are many layers involved with making the decision to remain friends with an ex, and it’s not always clear what the best choice is. There are a few outcomes that really come to mind that seem to be the most common. There is the ultimate “Bye Felica” move which really comes down to cutting out an ex from life completely. This choice I think is often made when an ex is identified as someone truly toxic in your life, or someone who causes you more pain simply by being in your life (could be from a deep sadness/regret that things didn’t work out or even the ex is self-destructive and it is painful to witness, abusive, etc.). This goes along with the “ghosting” phenomenon where it is easier to just cut someone off versus have a conversation about it. One of the caveats with this besides the obvious pain it could cause the person being excluded, is how it impacts the rest of your collaborative group of friends. It is not possible to cut someone out of your life completely and still remain close with the inner circle of friends you build together. The only exception is when the group collectively chooses to also cut this individual out which I have seen and to be honest, is one of the most disgusting things I have ever witnessed. This decision should only be reserved for those people who are so inherently terrible that they consciously are out to hurt others or cause pain. I have yet to meet someone in person which I felt would fall into this category, but others who are close to me have run into these people and I am very thankful they are no longer impacting their lives.
Another outcome would be to remain very close with your ex. This can be very, very tricky as often there are still deep feelings attached to the relationship and one person tends to still want to make things work. It can be difficult to impossible to move on if you are still very close with an ex, especially if there are still romantic feelings involved or the relationship parameters are not clearly defined. This can also cause the “is my ex getting in the way of my next?” conundrum. How can you actively look to move on if you are still hung up on your ex? At least how can you move on to something meaningful (we will ignore meaningless conquests that may come with finding a rebound relationship)? Remaining close to an ex can also create confusion for others who may be interested in you as your situation is unclear. The whole point of being alive is to continue to move forward, grow, and expand who you are as a person, right? That may not be possible if your gaze is fixed in the past.
There is a middle ground. You can always still be friends with an ex but very clearly be nothing but friends. This affords you the opportunity to not disrupt your mutual friend group. I think this is more common with younger people, as dating is not as serious and there may be less resentment towards an ex-partner. This, of course, can still cause some discomfort or confusion, especially if lines ever become blurred about your relationship status.
I personally think there is a way to be friends with an ex and even potentially be best friends. If you have spent a good deal of time with them, they probably know you best, know how to be supportive (or conversely know how to hurt you). It all comes down to communication and expectations. IF your expectations of each other are aligned, and you are able to communicate effectively, you can be friends with anyone, even your ex.
I would love to hear about how others feel about this scenario. Everyone approaches this situation differently and it would be interesting to hear some different perspectives. I encourage you to post and start a conversation!
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One thought on “Is it OK to be friends with your Ex?”
I consider it a point of pride that most exes still talk to me, even though relationships are volatile. I had to learn that total break up doesn’t mean I failed as a person. I think what helps is being open. With my current girlfriend, I told her from the beginning I was good friends with an ex, and offered her full access to all of my phone/email correspondence as well as the chance to hang out with us whenever she wanted. That alleviated any suspicion of physical cheating, and allowed scrutiny to make sure nothing we did crosses into the line of an emotional affair