Rosy pink walls, walnut-stained wooden furniture, the smell of fresh croissants and brioche; we were at our favorite patisserie in Minneapolis when my friend asked if I was doing any better. She had noticed I was not really there with her again, like I was not really inside my body anymore.
I told her absently that I thought suicide was my best option.
“You have to keep fighting,” she commanded. “I will never forgive you if you leave me!”
I was instantly pissed off at her for saying that. I thought “This is not about you, this is about me! I am sitting here in intense emotional pain, and your first thought is that you will never forgive me if I leave you?” I wanted to scream “I am not doing anything wrong!” I am certainly not asking for forgiveness. My life is ultimately my choice. I really do not have to keep fighting if I do not want to keep fighting…
In therapy, I rationalized her response as an attempt to stop being so angry at her. I came to the conclusion that because she is a devout Catholic, she thought I needed forgiveness. For those of you who may not know, suicide is traditionally a sin in the Catholic faith. She is also a cancer survivor, so I assume she must really value having a second chance at life. We just could not relate. To her, life was a gift. To me, life was a prison.
“I will never forgive you,” was definitely not the response I thought I would get from a close friend who had her own battle to fight. I wanted to hear her say she understood where I was coming from. I wanted some empathy and a little hope. That is not what I got, but I got what I really needed. I needed to hear that I must fight, whether I wanted to or not.
It took me weeks to let go of the injustice I felt when I heard my friend’s response and to understand she wasn’t being cold hearted. It took months more before I realized that here we were, both given diagnoses with poor prognosis, yet she came out of it thinking life was a gift. Life with cancer sucks, but she was grateful for life! I did not understand why. I wondered what difference there was between us. I wondered why I thought my diagnosis made life not worth living, but her diagnosis did not stop her from having hope for a better future.
I reflected on this and had no answer until recently. I realized that the difference between my friend and I is actually excruciatingly simple. The difference was she chose life over death and chose to be grateful. Instead, I chose death and to see the deficits. Let me explain a little further.
I wanted to hear that none of this was my fault. I wanted to hear that I did not choose to have schizoaffective disorder-bipolar type and therefore I did not have to take ownership for a life with it. It is not my fault I have a mental illness, but it is my responsibility to overcome my desire to give up. My (un)happiness is entirely my responsibility. Instead of taking ownership, I wore my diagnosis as a mask for so long, which blinded me from seeing the miracle of my life.
I recently read a book that calls this kind of realization an inflection point. An inflection point is described as a point when we either keep wishing for someone to wave the magic wand over our lives to make it all better, or step up and realize that it is time to move forward from here. It is when we reach a moment in our lives where we either stay entitled to the way life was, or we hold ourselves accountable and take full responsibility for our lives now.
I know that an inflection point sounds harsh. And in many ways, it is brutal. However, I walk through life a little differently now that I am taking ownership over something that is not my fault: I walk through life with a little more confidence in who I am, a little more open heartedness for the people around me, and more joy than I have had in years. Confidence, open heartedness and joy can all be yours again. I am here to tell you that if you take ownership for your life as it is right now, you will begin to see that your life is worth living as it is right now.
Keep fighting the good fight, whether you want to or not. You are worthy of showing up for yourself in this life. You are also worthy of joy, but joy is a choice. Are you all in?
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