Have you ever wondered why ‘ghosting’ hurts so much? Jennice Vilhauer, PhD, recently wrote an article in Psychology Today to explore this topic. In her article, she explains how social rejection fires the same pain pathways as physical pain.
If you are unfamiliar with the term, ‘ghosting’, it is used to describe when one individual abruptly discontinues communication with another person without warning.
The term is most often used in the dating realm, but applies to any circumstance where relationships are being built or broken (Check out this recent article about the increasing trend in the job market).
As the prevalence of dating apps and online relationship site use increases, people have a greater opportunity to make more connections at a faster rate…but perhaps an unintended consequence is that there are more opportunities for rejection, as well.
~ The feeling of being dismissed is as inevitable as it is uncomfortable. There is not a single person in this world who gets everything he or she desires. Should we be paying more attention to how people cope with the feeling of rejection? What strategies have you used in the past to help with overcoming this negative emotion? Comment in the discussion section below! ~
Vilhauer’s article further explores the degree of how much ‘ghosting’ can hurt: The closer the bond between individuals prior to the behavior, the more traumatic and painful the person being rebuffed may feel. “Ghosting” is one of the most passive, yet harmful ways of rejecting another human…I can certainly relate.
This article helped me connect several of my behaviors related to pain, trauma, and betrayal. I understand I have a difficult time forming long-standing close relationships with people because I purposefully choose not to engage. I have identified two main reasons:
- I understand the pervasive nature of pain – like many emotions, it can be shared. It is difficult to survive a brain injury without pain. I witnessed firsthand people I cared for suffering as a byproduct of my own pain…and it killed me inside. It felt like a never-ending loop of compounded pain. I suffer, they suffer. Them suffering because of me, made me feel worse. I noticed a bad habit of pushing people who cared about me away because I couldn’t stand to see them suffer when I felt like it was my fault.
- I was so traumatized by being ‘ghosted’ by my best friend. This experience was more complex because I was naive to what my friend was doing and I simply did not understand why someone I cared about so much would hurt me. I think a combination of negative feelings and environmental circumstances contributed to this person’s immaturity. Nonetheless, I know it was extremely painful and contributed to the beginning of my understanding of suicidal ideation. It certainly was an interesting and difficult journey to learn coping skills out of that circumstance.
For this post, to those who feel rejected by ‘ghosting’: If you are being reasonable and the circumstances warrant a communication, then the other person is being unkind—it’s not you. It is totally okay to feel hurt if someone psychologically bruises you. It is okay to be vulnerable, too. These situations don’t mean you have to put up walls or become a “harder” person. Just try to hold your head up, keep building up your self-esteem, and be the type of person who demonstrates respect. You are worthy!
Now, sometimes ‘ghosting’ can be an accident! Conversations can fade naturally. Some people receive many communications every day, and a response can take time. If you reach out again at a reasonable time, in an appropriate and respectful manner, and someone still doesn’t respond in a timely manner, or they don’t apologize and acknowledge their lack of response, then this person is probably being immature.
If you have been aggressively pressuring or intimidating someone with incessant communications, or in other words, harassing someone, then their lack of response is likely warranted. Communications are all about intent. If someone is purposefully being unresponsive when you have been respectful; that is when it’s rude.
To the person ignoring or not acknowledging another person in a situation where communication is reasonable and respectful: Your behavior is cruel. Stop spreading and normalizing a negative behavior. Being rude is not something to be proud of. Be brave and hold yourself accountable—it is far better to have an honest conversation that may hurt initially, but provides the other person closure.
To those who are friends, family, or peers of people who behave with ill-intent: speak up. It may be easier not to say anything when an action doesn’t directly impact you, but if you are aware of a negative behavior, you likely are the most well-equipped to make a positive difference in our overall culture by encouraging constructive behaviors in your own life. All the small actions add up.
So what do you do? When you are aware someone is purposely ignoring another person without a reasonable cause, discourage it. Do not validate the tormentor by coming up with reasons for why it is okay that they behaved the way they did, by joking or laughing about the circumstance, by not saying anything at all. Encourage your friend, peer, whomever, to respond out of courtesy. If the person you are “close” to doesn’t receive the information well or is unwilling to grow, it could take time before they are more self-aware. Point it out the next time. If this individual becomes upset at you, be thoughtful about the company you keep. In most circumstances where you can make a positive difference, you should try 🙂
Bottom line, if there is an expectation for a response, just respond. Even if it seems, or truly is, difficult. Every community is conglomerate of the individuals inside it. Every person belongs to a community, whether whether they like it or not. Be the person you’d like to see in our world by being respectful towards others. While ‘ghosting’ may not hurt you, it can haunt the person you no longer engage with, causing self-doubt and pain. It’s time to lay ‘ghosting’ behavior to rest.
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