Aohy!
A sound made by a certain kind of person in a certain kind of place, to express shock and excitement. This sound echoed briefly through my mind as I began to fall forward, keeling to my left side as my knees hit the black mat, slick with sweat. The unfamiliar taste of iron began to permeate the sides of my palate. Muffled voices, as if way off in the distance, asking “Are you okay? That was a nasty hit you took! … Daniel? … Daniel! …”, then nothing but silence. I looked down and watched a bead of my own sweat ride down the bridge of my nose, cling to the tip for what seemed like forever, only to fall and join the pool of perspiration bellow. Then my own inner voice was clear, “What are you doing here? Who are you?”
Let’s rewind, say two and a half years. I am driving away from my home, my friends, my job, and a love lost. With tears streaming down my face, I focused desperately on the road. At this point in time, that long stretch of road felt like it was the only friend I had. For the first time in a long time I had a sense of clarity, but with that clarity a heavy and battered heart. That clarity is what I needed to continue to hold onto. I made a slew of unpopular decisions that got me to this point. Decisions that put me first for once. I remember thinking to myself this has to be the most difficult thing I will ever do. In reality leaving my old life behind and saying goodbye was just the first step in the long and difficult road to finding myself.
I parked my Buick Park Avenue in the driveway of the house I grew up in, my father inside expecting me. My face was painted red with dried tears, I was a stone. Emotionally exhausted, the way I had felt for about the past four years. I moved back in with dad and began taking inventory of my life and my scars. After a few months I found a new Job, an apartment, and built a new group of friends. I made a point to avoid people from my past, and only bringing in people who were healthy for me to be around.
I began to workout religiously and meal prepping. Every week, seven days a week. My life had become ritualistic. Day in and day out, wake up, eat, go to work, eat, go to the gym, eat go home, eat (I eat a lot…), go to bed, rinse and repeat. Everything became numbers, grams of this, grams of that. Ultimately, it was all just a distraction as I was ignoring the root cause of my lack of empathy and inability to connect with people. I didn’t know who I was, and I had spent no real time trying to find me.
I took a look back on my life, remembering things I had forgotten. Silly things, embarrassing things, funny things, until I landed on a memory of a much younger version of me wearing a white starchy robe with a long green belt awkwardly tied around my waist. This of course being a karate gi. I was lined up with other kids in front of a long wall sized mirror. Various karate instructors taking the kids, one by one, for playful sparring. It was my turn next and I was youthfully determined to take my instructor down! This may be my own memory exaggerating what really happened, but the way I remember it is that it took three instructors to pull me away and throw me to the side of the mats. Recalling this memory put a small grin on my face and made me think, “Yeah, I was a little warrior back then, wasn’t I?”
A quick Google search later and I found a training center that offered a few different martial arts; Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Krav Maga, Judo and Muay Thai (my personal favorite). I did a few trial classes and was immediately addicted to it all. Training there became the new staple in my life. On top of all the meal prepping and strength training, I had this other thing that forced me out of my head and into a totally new mind set, with a community of people like none other. A place where two individuals will exchange blow after blow with one another and then collapse into each other’s arms, smiles all around.
Though I would like to say “And I lived happily ever after” that was not the case. The depression and anxiety I had been ignoring was stronger than ever, and my dis-associative tactics for dealing with my more “edgy” thoughts were beginning to fail. Sleeping had become impossible and with that, my drive to keep searching for myself was also fading. I needed something drastic. My research into nutrition is what led me to this kind of epiphanic moment. In an attempt to reset my internal biological state; no more caffeine! (Was used to drinking a pot of coffee a day) No more alcohol! (My medicine of choice to get me to bed, though it never worked) No more dairy, no more gluten, no more soy, and to really drive it all home, NO MORE MEAT.
I went on this total plant based diet for one month, just to see if I could feel different. It was hard, there was a huge learning curve and there were days I wanted to give up. I didn’t really feel like I could really open up to anyone about these changes, my projection was that I am just a healthy guy, living a healthy life, and that’s all people needed to know. Internally however my purpose for all of it; the fighting, the meal prep, the endless exercise was my desperation in trying to find a way to outlive my depression. My one and only goal for it all was to just hold on for one more day. Existence to me was a day to day affair, and sometimes I wondered, what’s the point to anything at all? We are so small and our day to day problems {Personally, Socially, Politically, Globally} mean nothing.
Some of my closest friends pushed me to keep going. Pushed me to keep pushing and fighting. And after a short time, I began to feel… I just began to feel again. After two years of numbness and ignorance of myself, there was this light that wasn’t there before. This energy that now feels boundless, purpose and meaning began to fill me in a way that I had never experienced before. And now today, I just feel good and I just want to solve problems and leave all places better than how I found them. It used to be that when people would politely ask me how I was doing, I would automatically answer back with my canned “Oh, I’m fine” (I wasn’t fine), but now I catch myself answering in a more honest “Oh! I’m good! How about yourself?”
[NOTE: I am not saying that anyone suffering from depression should become some hard core vegan and that all your problems will be solved. This is just my journey. There are thousands of other considerations you need to look at to treat depression. TALK to your doctor, and weigh your options. COMMUNICATE with your friends and family about how you feel, you will be surprised that this lonely feeling is more than just you, it builds inside us all. I am just a firm believer in that you reap what you sow. Good in, equals good out. Insert other annoying quotes about healthy living here…]
To this day I am still playing with my new found inner understanding. Adding fish back into my diet, and relaxing the restraints against caffeine and alcohol but still keeping these very much in check (Almost zero intake of both). I feel stronger than ever, and more confident than ever to boot. No battle with depression is ever really over, but there are weapons within reach and allies close at hand.
Aohy!
“Are you okay? That was a nasty hit you took! … Daniel? … Daniel! …“ My own inner voice was clear, ”What are you doing here? Who are you?” The clarity and purpose comes rushing back. I began to rise slowly from the slick on the mats, I release the grip on my left side, ignoring the winces of pain. Raising my 16oz gloves back to my head I ready myself for the next barrage of punches and head kicks, I hear that voice in my head one last time…
“You Daniel, you are a warrior.”
Editor(s): Cole Schenck
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