By Morgan Paquette
Every person you meet, makes an impact in your life. Be it a friend you’ve known for years, a family member you are extremely close to, or your partner who just might be the one. When you are with them, you can’t imagine a life without them, without the joy that they bring with them wherever they go. The unfortunate reality, however, is that sometimes the life you couldn’t imagine becomes the reality. Whether your partner has left you, your best friend has backstabbed you, or that family member has passed on, it is of utmost importance to find closure and peace with yourself if you ever wish to move on.
This time last year, I had been with my first girlfriend for five years, and I couldn’t imagine being with anybody else. In the year since, my love life has taken a definite leap in activity. My first girlfriend left me, the toxicity and constant clash that was ever present in our relationship had become too strong to bear. My second girlfriend, who I had met mere days after breaking up with my first girlfriend, left after only six months. She was painfully aware of the fact that I had never really gotten over my first relationship; she knew she was my subconscious attempt to fill the void my first girlfriend had left in my heart.
Now I am one month into dating my third girlfriend. and I have made a vow not to make the same mistakes I did with the partners of my past. Before I began dating her, I made it my mission to receive closure from my past partners, so my past wouldn’t hold me back from a future with her.
When my second girlfriend broke up with me, I felt as if a fog had lifted from my mind. From her, I realized for myself the importance of receiving closure in order to move on. This past year alone I have experienced all three scenarios and I hope to share my experience with you to help avoid the heartache I endured.
My first girlfriend ended our five and a half year relationship over text message. I was furious at what I saw as her cowardice, and pushed her away in the coming months despite the fact that she wanted to try again.Six months passed after our breakup before I was willing to hear her out. I can imagine her surprise when I messaged her, but the bottom line was that she owed me an explanation and owed her an an apology. I believe a proper goodbye is owed to a person you spent five years of your life with.
She picked me up one snowy night, and right away we began to argue because she had gone to the wrong parking lot. She paused and said, “This is not how I want to start this”. Her statement took me aback and I realized that if I wanted closure I needed to be able to sit with her without a grudge or feelings of spite. We entered a small coffee shop and began to talk about the weather and our families.
After some time we began to talk about how our relationship had ended. I learned quickly how important it was to hear her out. Cutting her off would have defeated the purpose of having an open dialogue, something that had been absent from our relationship for some time.
One of the most important things I learned in receiving closure is the importance of managing expectations. In the pursuit of closure, you will not emerge unscathed. You will not end up being the best of friends. When I walked into that coffee shop, I knew it would be the last time I would ever see her, and I needed to ensure there was no bad blood between us.
By the end of the meeting, we exchanged one last hug. As I walked down the highway, watching her Honda Civic disappearing into the billowing snow, I realized that the person you shared so much of your life with could very easily be nothing more than a faded image on a Polaroid, or an all too familiar face in the crowd. Receiving closure is coming to
accept the fact that you can finally close that chapter of your life, the good memories and the bad, and make new memories with somebody else.
For the purposes of protecting their integrity, I will not disclose specifics of the tumultuous journey toward closure with my second girlfriend, but will share some insight I gained through that experience. It is important to communicate, as crossed wires and harboured anger can lead to a very messy end.
In the pursuit of closure with my second girlfriend, a mutual friend who I had developed a strong bond with over the months previous got caught in the crossfire. He had done his best to remain neutral but the tension was palpable. He was forced to take sides, and somehow got sucked into the vortex of toxicity that had hung over my second relationship. The last time we spoke, he challenged me to a fight and said things I can’t forgive even now. In the case of such a negative person, the only closure I needed was knowing he was out of my life, whether that was permanent or until further notice.
While closure over a lost lover or a friend is relatively cut and dry if you follow a few basic principles, the last type of closure comes from the death of a family member or close friend, and it is shrouded in difficulty. While I have been blessed to have never suffered a death in the family or that of a friend, I know people that have and I have watched them struggle to move on and close that chapter of their lives.
My first girlfriend was unable to go see her grandfather in his last days because she couldn’t bear to see him like that. My best friend’s father passed away of a stroke, and while he was there with his father when he took his last breaths, he regrets not having the chance to say all the things he wanted to say to him.
While I never met him or even spoke to him, it was from the death of my girlfriends cousin just a few days ago that I learned as much about closure as I did about the bonds and emotional tenacity of a family in mourning. It was Christmas morning when she called me, crying uncontrollably, her cousin Adil having passed away earlier that day.
Adil Rafiq was a 21 year old man, living in Karachi, Pakistan, with a lifelong case of muscular dystrophy, a disease which deformed his limbs and left him in constant pain for much of his life. The doctors told him he wouldn’t live past 14, but he refused to let that stop him from achieving his dreams.
In his 21 years of life he was a computer and phone prodigy, called the Einstein of the family by his doting father, and who finished with outstanding marks on his standardized examinations. It was his incredible genius which earned him invitations to some of the most prestigious universities on earth, but his disorder left him unable to travel.
He began to attend a local university and was in the process of completing an international business major when tragedy struck. He keeled over in bed, his one remaining lung having taken his last breath. He died surrounded by cousins, uncles, and aunties.
It was my girlfriend’s brother who jumped heroically into action performing CPR in an attempt to revive his heart. No more than eight hours later, I called her brother to express my deepest condolences. I could hear his voice wavering, and I was overcome with empathy and sympathy for their loss. As I cried silently, I couldn’t believe how strong he was. His tenacity and ability to stay strong for his family was overwhelming
He told me the important thing in times of tragedy was that we surround ourselves with people that love us, that we stay strong and realize how lucky we are to have what we have, and have faith that someday things would go back to a semblance of normalcy.
Furthermore, for those who are religious, I realized we needed to learn to accept the fact that the will of god is no fault of ours. We cannot blame ourselves for not being there in the last moments of those close to us. Adil had touched the lives of his family, the lives of thousands of people through his NGO startup Ehed Foundation, and me, a man who had never even spoken to him.
As I consoled my girlfriend, she kept saying how she felt guilty she couldn’t be there for Adil while her whole family had been there for his last moments and the days afterward. In an attempt to help her find closure I gave her the following advice:
“I don’t really know how to do deal with this type of thing. I’ve never lost somebody and I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel. But there is one thing I know to be true. I just know he’s up there looking out for you. I know you miss him terribly but I do know this, Adil doesn’t blame you, and you shouldn’t blame yourself. All of the people we have lost are always with us, in our spirit and in our soul. They are the wind at our backs driving us forward to big and beautiful things. They are the force that lifts you up when your faith is tested and you’ve been beaten”.
No one knows what Adil’s last thoughts were, but they were not thoughts of spite. They were more than likely thoughts of how blessed he had been to have known such amazing people. In his entire life of pain, and insurmountable challenges he never once had a complaint. It is up to us to honour the legacy of those we have lost. In Adil’s case, he wanted his family and friends to not cry, but to be strong for each other and for the family to stand together.
Adil’s bed lie empty, his wheelchair unused. The hallways of his home will never be filled with his laughter. He is gone from this earth, but he left behind a treasure trove of memories; the love and the memories, and the message and joy he spread to those around him, are all things his family and friends must hold onto with all of their might.
To conclude, loss is a part of life. For some life altering, for others a part of the job, but everyone deserves closure in the pursuit of a better life. In honor of those we have lost, in honor of the friends and family members and partners that are no longer a part of our lives, we must uphold their legacy. They would want us to move on, to not let the incredible sadness of their loss manifest and infect our life. I hope, through sharing my experiences and insights, you dear reader can achieve closure in a healthy and efficient manner.
Editors: Jing Wu, Seid Suleyman
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