Are Your Adult Friendships Real or Less Than Ideal?

My brother often pokes fun at the motley crew of friends I have. I hang out with bartenders, barbers, random buds from the gym, long-time platonic Tinder matches, and my cousin’s birthday magician, Jim. Chill dude.

On the other hand, my brother finds it more comfortable to limit his social circle to classmates, colleagues, friends of friends, and country club cronies (just kidding). But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who your friends are or how you made them as long as they treat you right.

Making friends comes easier for some people than others. The good news is that you don’t need many friends to be happy. You just need the right kind of friends.

What makes a good or bad friend can be blurry sometimes and doesn’t always stand the test of time. Fringe friends can venture into previously uncharted best friend territory. And old besties can betray you or simply fall off the map.

Whether you move to a new city, all your friends leave where you live, or old chums get too busy with that whole get-married-and-start-a-family thing, this post is for you. Below are a few tips, based on personal experience, on how to make friends, keep friends, and cut ties with the wrong kind of friends.

If you remember one thing from this piece, remember this: Not everyone has to like you. If your only goal is to be liked, you’ll end up being the bad friend you’re trying to avoid.

Real Friendships:

Dozens of studies show that having strong social ties helps you live longer and improve your satisfaction with life. So what makes social connections strong? Here are a few characteristics:

1. You can talk to them about anything: Everyone goes through episodes of self-doubt, pain, and failure. The worst thing you can do in this situation is to bottle up your emotions and let them eat you up from the inside. It’s important to have a friend who will support you during your highest highs and lowest lows without judgment.
2. They know and love all of your quirks: Real friends embrace who you are in spite of your imperfections and the little things that make you unique. If you feel comfortable sharing all of your “dorky” hobbies and collection of Lord of the Ring action figures with someone, you should probably keep that person in your life.
3. They can make time for you: If someone reaches out to you to hang out or squeezes in time to see you when you invite them out, this friend must care about you. Of course, everyone is busy, and you shouldn’t take it personally if a close friend can’t say yes to everything. But, if this friend rainchecks and makes an effort to stop by, albeit briefly, or to reschedule your get-together, you know the bond between you is real.
4. They want the best for you: When it comes down to it, all of these desired qualities in a friend relate to trust. Trust is created when you know someone has your back and supports you, no matter what. You need to really trust someone to be honest with you and tell you the truth even when it isn’t what you want to hear.

Less than Ideal Friendships:

1. Someone who is dishonest: There is no quicker way to lose trust and respect for someone than to have this person lie to your face or behind your back. Liars have no place in your life.
2. Flakiness in your time of need: “Hey, I don’t think I can help you move anymore, but I would love to see the new place at your housewarming.” Does this sound familiar? Nobody wants to do the heavy lifting in a one-sided relationship. If your friend always backs out of responsibility when you need help, it’s time to find someone who supports you as much as you support them.
3. The repellent friend who nobody can stand being around: This one can be a bit dicey. If none of the people around you can handle spending time with someone, it’s possible you need to replace your entire group of friends. But it’s often that one friend who drives everyone else away. A toxic friend is selfish, critical, belittling, and always twisting your arm to take their side. This friend is like a current that drags you underwater before you can process what’s happening.
4. Someone who’s always helpless but never helping him or herself: Some people create a narrative that the world is out to get them, and it’s your responsibility to save them. Instead of working to improve upon their issues, they consistently revert back to bad habits and expect you to clean the mess whenever they fall. A friend who only contacts you in their time of need is just taking advantage of your kindness.

Remember that friendship is a spectrum, not a dichotomy. People are not entirely good or bad. Just weigh all of the pros and cons as you evaluate if you want to keep someone around in your life, or if it’s no longer worth your time and effort.

7 Tips for Making New Friends:

Paul Rudd isn’t the only one who needs to find friends. Sometimes we feel alone in life and just want someone to talk to. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. Do activities you enjoy: If you want to hang out with people who like doing what you like, just go ahead and do those things—you’ll find them. There will likely be other people doing the same stuff who you can relate to. Of course, this isn’t always the case. You may enjoy watching crime dramas at home, but nobody else will be home—besides the killer, of course. And, if you love movies, you probably won’t strike up a conversation with the moviegoer next to you unless you want to be shushed for two hours. But you can join an organization that interests you, like a rec sports team, art club, religious group, or book club. Search Meetup.com or check out cool events and organizations near you on Facebook.
2. Watch less TV: This was covered briefly above, but you have to go out into the world and make yourself available to meet potential new friends. The ones who come knocking on your door are probably just looking for money, votes, or new Jesus fan club members.
3. Talk to your coworkers: Struggling to understand your crazy boss’ email? You’re probably not alone. Having good company within your company is essential and can make work more enjoyable. Aside from meeting colleagues at happy hours, you can always introduce yourself to new faces and make sure you’re eating lunch somewhere besides your desk.
4. Remember family members can be best friends, too: Author Edna Buchanon once said, “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” Friends can also be family given to us from birth. Your family will love you no matter what and will always be there to help you in a time of need. Keeping on good terms with family members can be tough at times, but it’s certainly worth it. It took me years to realize how much I enjoy spending time with my parents. Beyond their rules and goofiness, they’re truly interesting and amiable people.
5. Volunteer for something that interests you: Working with others for a cause you both support is a good way to bond with new people. For example, you can volunteer at an animal shelter, religious organization, nursing home, political group, meal service provider, or youth group.
6. Be kind: Bringing new people into your life starts with your attitude. You need to be open to embracing them. Going out of your way to do a small favor could spark a positive relationship. Two simple acts of kindness you can try include listening to someone and inviting someone to join you at an event. This can mean asking a colleague about their day, and then actively listening to the response, or inviting a neighbor to take a walk with you. If this person returns the favor, they may be likely to become a good friend.
7. Don’t fear rejection: Whenever I was scared of doing something growing up, my dad would always ask, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Of course, I’d make up something ridiculous, and my Dad would then ask me what the odds are of that happening. I’d gradually realize that worst comes to worst, I’d likely be in the same position I’m in now. So, it doesn’t hurt to go out and take a stab at new things. You might surprise yourself. Like you, most people want to make friends, too. And if they don’t like you, that’s their problem.

Need more advice? Feel free to email me at noahgoetzel@gmail.com. I’m happy to listen and help out any way I can.